Better by my birthday

I got out of a 3 year relationship back in February, the day before Valentine’s Day, though it was months in the process of ending before that. It was such a difficult decision that I sought advise everywhere, in hopes that someone would tell me it was best to stay with this human I loved so dearly, who had never done me wrong, even though deep down I knew. My tarot reader told me everything would be better by my birthday, and those precious words got me through the months that followed. I think it will forever be the most tragic situation of my life. We wanted so badly for it to work, I resisted my truth, tried desperately to change my truth so I could give this human what she deserved, but I just couldn’t, and I’m so angry that the universe put me and us in this inevitable tragedy where forces beyond my control were at play. Lessons have been engraved deeply into my soul.

But here I am, a month from my birthday and I never thought it could be, but it has gotten (this is a legitword now right?) a lot better. I have gained momentum, started striving in the areas that I was insecure and envious about during my relationship (my career and productivity). I’ve been more social, making so many new friends that I don’t remember who they are when they text me, exploring interests and projects freely, with no one to answer to. I didn’t even realize the freedom and energy I was missing, so crucial to my Sagittarian self. I had been in relationships so long, that I didn’t even know my potential as an individual, I didn’t know true freedom, I almost didn’t notice it this time around because it came so naturally to just do what I want when I wanted. I see now that when my energy is not being used by a relationship, I give so much more to the world and to myself. When I’m not concerned about making another person happy, I have so much more energy. And little did I know that I need every drop of energy I have, to succeed in my chosen career path, sad to say.

I’m observing my decisions and priorities, and at this point in my life, I care more about my career than romantic love. I don’t judge it as right or wrong, just observe that it IS, and go with the flow. But I can’t deny that the past version of myself that lingers freshly in the past is sad that I don’t have a lover, it’s sad that my truth at this moment doesn’t hold being in love with someone as a top priority, because I know too well how beautiful being in love is (the basic human kind of love not the Osho enlightened non attached love). My success will come with sacrifice, to reach my highest potential as a roadrunner Sagittarian, I must be free. In order to accomplish my mission on Earth, it must come before everything else, and in my heart I feel it does at this time. I almost feel like a superhero who has to sacrifice having a proper love life in order to do what she gotta do, or like how TEAL Swan may have to sacrifice being a normal devoted parent because she has to be true to herself and know that her main calling on earth is to be a spiritual leader. Or maybe I’m not that noble, maybe it could just be that my void of insignificance is stronger than my void of emptiness, who knows! Probably both.

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