The past week solidified my feet in this new chapter of my life. Everything is different, I turned the entire corner and can’t see the previous side anymore. I live in a new house, with new room mates, in a new part of town, with a new car, and a new life routine with a new cohort of people in this intensive immersive program. I have not experienced this much challenge and growth since my freshman year of college, and I also haven’t been this happy and fulfilled since then. I love my life, I love everything that’s happening in it and excited for what’s to come. I am optimistic and confident in what I will achieve and bring into my life. The classroom culture in this program has only reinforced and nurtured this growth mindset. It’s not just a tech school, it’s a life-therapy-be-the-best-version-of-yourself immersive. They have the curriculum down to a T (wouldn’t expect anything less from a curriculum designed by pro UX designers). From the lecture content, to the pacing, to the writing our intentions for the week, drawing our feelings of the week, to the constructive peer review and teacher feedback, the highly collaborative environment and engagement, the career coaching and support, the guest speakers, to the focus on self love and self growth and positive thinking, being good to yourself, being a good person to be around, its a whole package kind of deal. It is the most supportive, inspiring, and motivating environment I have ever been in, its the refined college experience I never knew I wanted. Everyone wants everyone to succeed and everyone is willing to help everyone. You can tell that this program is very giving and valuable to the students because they come back and become the instructors and alumni guest speakers to give back to this amazing program and community, I already know that I want to give back when I get enough experience in the field. I’m so grateful and so blessed. But it’s still really really hard don’t get me wrong (hehe).
Being single has been so good for me
for finding my self worth outside of the validation of another human
For reprogramming my subconscious attractions and concept of love
learning how to love through loving myself
Unlearning the illusion that I am incomplete
Training to love another human properly, without my insecurities and traumas corrupting
Learning to enjoy solitude, my own company
“finding strength within myself
comfort in my own eyes
love in my own heart
and stability in my own bones”
But an issue arises when I finally reach this point in my single life, and I forget to give others the attention they need because I no longer need their attention as much? I’m not feeling the need for connection and validation outside of myself so much that I don’t seek it anymore. Maybe I’m doing this “loving yourself” and “be your own soul mate” thing wrong?
I thought the social hierarchy game disappeared after high school, but in retrospect I can see so clearly that it hasn’t gone away, the game has only leveled up- new world, same game. I don’t know if I was just immune to it, or if I was subconsciously choosing not to see it, but I never really noticed it until after college. I never felt inferior, I did not see my lack of privilege, and I’m not sure why but I have some theories (which I’m not attached to).
One theory is that before this was brought to my attention, my mind was untainted by the possibility of my being inferior, and if our reality is a reflection of our thoughts and beliefs, then that will be our experience. Before I became exposed to the concept, my experience was abundant. But the chances of living a life where you don’t come into contact with an experience that causes you to entertain this concept of inequality are very slim. Maybe I just hadn’t lived long enough, maybe I was lucky enough to have grown in a bubble environment where it wasn’t an issue, maybe it was there all along and I was too naive to notice it.
If once we become aware of something, then it exists, then before we are aware of it, it does not exist. “Quantum physics informs us that a system exists in superposition — that is, in all possible states — until we observe that it is only in one specific state.” This makes me wish I could tune back into the perspective of “life is good and abundant” frequency I was in as a child, but unfortunately I think that would take lots of hypnosis to change the deeply engrained beliefs of my current frequency. Plus it’s probably more useful to be in tune with the frequency and beliefs and reality of the collective if I wish to successfully coexist and change the world.
Another theory is that I was a big fish in a small pond up until college. When I got to college I started experiencing the world as a little fish in a big sea full of sharks. I also got to see more types of people and the different resources everyone had to start this rat race, and I think this is when it hit me. The race got much grander after high school, and the differences in resources people had to aid them became more noticeable and significant.
Regardless, I can’t help but see the rat race now and be affected by it, despite my efforts to resist it because “I know better” and “I should know where real value and success lies.” Even though I do know better, I unfortunately don’t live in the reality and frequency where this isn’t real and doesn’t have implications on everything around us. I observe and experience how the privileged and elite live in this world, and vice versa. As much as we want to tell our children “looks and money don’t matter,” they do. We listen to beautiful people more, we judge them more positively, why? I don’t know, could be nature or nurture. Rich people are influential because they have resources, resources mean power. In this digital age, lots of followers equals social status and power. Whether they’re aware of it or not, people instinctually respond differently to people they perceive as higher and lower.
What solidifies the realness of this classism is the everyday divisions. People will text back faster to the famous actor than the guy who works at the movie theater. A woman with a Mercedes might not find a man a good enough suitor if he does not have a car of equal caliber or better. A man at the bar might now give you the time of day unless he sees you’re wearing something trendy or expensive looking or give indication of a worthy occupation. People tend to make friends with people they perceive as equal or higher- it’s in the psych books. The one that bothers me the most is people feeling superior when you’re vulnerable and authentic. When they see your vulnerabilities, they see you as a real person with struggles, not strong and high and mighty.
Unless you meet someone in an environment where the classism is not present or someone is consciously choosing to see through “woke” eyes, then most people will subconsciously act according to the invisible hierarchy. So cherish those who will love you, stick with you no matter what you wear, where you work, how talented you are, or how many followers you have. And don’t compromise yourself to move up, the ladder is an illusion for control. Everyone is loved the same, everyone is worthy. We must remember. They keys are to determine the real motives for what you do and finding balance between being ambitious for social status reasons and for yourself.
Of not knowing who I am beyond myself here on Earth reality, beyond the ego. I am at a point in my life where I am so strongly associated with the ego. I know very well who I am on Earth, my role and path in the matrix, my most human desires and needs. So strange how I’ve gone from one end of the spectrum just 2 years ago to the other, from being highly spiritually aware but detached from earthly reality to what now seems like the polar opposite. I was upper chakra dominant before, now the lower root has taken over, which is good, it’s what I strived for back when I was too ‘spacey’ and ‘cosmic’. At that end of the spectrum I grew to see how necessary integration with fellow humans and society was in order to make effect and materialize my thoughts. Now that I can’t detach from my humanistic reality, I feel a discomfort, an incompleteness I did not feel before, and constant hunger, an insatiable desire for a perfection that can never be reached. It’s funny that I can see myself going down this path in search of happiness and satisfaction within the matrix and it’s constructs yet have my core wisdom tell me that even when I reach the top of the mountain, I’ll find like many before me that true satisfaction does not wait for me there. But here I go..have to see for myself I suppose.
I’m not angry or upset that I have to be an insatiable human, I accept this phase of life, I know it is merely a level I must play in the game of human life, but a part of me does feel that I was perhaps ‘better’ and smarter before, healthier spiritually. I was able to find solace in the truths of the higher dimensions before, but now they are not so easy to resonate with when I am so strongly identified with this dimension. Balance balance is always the answer.
Crazy how I thought I was going to be a wise spiritual teacher not too long ago. Did I allow myself to deviate from this path or was it always written that I was not meant for that path? Are there many different potentials or is there that one potential we’re supposed to be? How does one cure fomo?
More and more shows are featuring strong female leads and writing women as characters of power. When I was a kid, all I had was Xena Warrior Princess and Zenon Girl of the 21st Century, imagine the girls that are growing up RIGHT NOW and the ones that are yet to be born! How exciting to think of all of the content they will have to learn from and adapt to themselves.
The media shapes our norms, our beliefs, our culture, and the boundaries of who we can be, and the standards of who we can be (unless you live on an isolated island). Yes part of our personality is genetics, but the other half is nurture, our environment, what we are exposed to. And I couldn’t be happier that there are now shows like Supergirl, The 100 and Lost Girl and so many others that are pushing the boundaries of possibilities for women. The more freedom we have with our imagination, the more authentic and true we can become, the more freedom we allow ourselves to be ourselves. Slowly and steadily we are progressing. We have come a long way, and we still have a long way to go. We just have to keep putting woke folk such as myself in positions of influence in the media and in politics.
It’s funny how I’ve ended up at this career path, little did I know it was right where I asked to be 3 years ago when I decided it was my life’s purpose to culture jam and design the blue print for the new world.
I got out of a 3 year relationship back in February, the day before Valentine’s Day, though it was months in the process of ending before that. It was such a difficult decision that I sought advise everywhere, in hopes that someone would tell me it was best to stay with this human I loved so dearly, who had never done me wrong, even though deep down I knew. My tarot reader told me everything would be better by my birthday, and those precious words got me through the months that followed. I think it will forever be the most tragic situation of my life. We wanted so badly for it to work, I resisted my truth, tried desperately to change my truth so I could give this human what she deserved, but I just couldn’t, and I’m so angry that the universe put me and us in this inevitable tragedy where forces beyond my control were at play. Lessons have been engraved deeply into my soul.
But here I am, a month from my birthday and I never thought it could be, but it has gotten (this is a legitword now right?) a lot better. I have gained momentum, started striving in the areas that I was insecure and envious about during my relationship (my career and productivity). I’ve been more social, making so many new friends that I don’t remember who they are when they text me, exploring interests and projects freely, with no one to answer to. I didn’t even realize the freedom and energy I was missing, so crucial to my Sagittarian self. I had been in relationships so long, that I didn’t even know my potential as an individual, I didn’t know true freedom, I almost didn’t notice it this time around because it came so naturally to just do what I want when I wanted. I see now that when my energy is not being used by a relationship, I give so much more to the world and to myself. When I’m not concerned about making another person happy, I have so much more energy. And little did I know that I need every drop of energy I have, to succeed in my chosen career path, sad to say.
I’m observing my decisions and priorities, and at this point in my life, I care more about my career than romantic love. I don’t judge it as right or wrong, just observe that it IS, and go with the flow. But I can’t deny that the past version of myself that lingers freshly in the past is sad that I don’t have a lover, it’s sad that my truth at this moment doesn’t hold being in love with someone as a top priority, because I know too well how beautiful being in love is (the basic human kind of love not the Osho enlightened non attached love). My success will come with sacrifice, to reach my highest potential as a roadrunner Sagittarian, I must be free. In order to accomplish my mission on Earth, it must come before everything else, and in my heart I feel it does at this time. I almost feel like a superhero who has to sacrifice having a proper love life in order to do what she gotta do, or like how TEAL Swan may have to sacrifice being a normal devoted parent because she has to be true to herself and know that her main calling on earth is to be a spiritual leader. Or maybe I’m not that noble, maybe it could just be that my void of insignificance is stronger than my void of emptiness, who knows! Probably both.
A free market is supposed to be a system in which product information is presented in a straightforward manner, and then consumers are able to make an informed and rational decision on whether they want that product. In a proper free market, you would have a car commercial honestly showing you what the product is, how it works and what it can do, then a person can freely decide whether that car is right for them. Instead we have a woman in a bikini eating a burger on a car, as a commercial.
I don’t believe we should be competing for more and more consumers for our goods and services, that destroys the natural order. This leads companies to essentially manipulate people to favor their product based on superficial factors such as ‘coolness’ or ‘beauty’ and other subliminal factors. This leaves us making irrational uninformed decisions and with irrelevant products. It deters us from making the decision which most resonates with us, with our truth, because we are not receiving the truth, we are receiving decoys. We shouldn’t have to try so hard to sell people things, you should know within the first 10 seconds whether the person really feels if it’s right for them, if you both sense resistance towards your product, you should both simply stop and move on and not take offense.
There is a very thin line between manipulation and persuasion.